Enduring April, Softened By Memories Past

It’s April Again.

It is the 4th April without my daughter and I find myself shaking my head in disbelief that time keeps going on and that, somehow, somehow, somehow I keep surviving along with it.  It seems only a blink of an eye, and forever ago, that even one more moment without Robyn in it was going to end my breathing.  And yet, here I am, breathing, enduring, sometimes experiencing happy moments; not hating life as much as I used to.  I haven’t come to embrace life again yet, but I am avoiding it less.

It’s April Again.

The time that many say is of rebirth and newness ~ teaming with new beginnings and new opportunities…

A Time of Hope, some say.

April was always a favorite month for me.

My RobynApril was named for the joy that I always found in the magic of the reawakening of nature after our bleak  and grey New England winters. And though she wasn’t born in April, April became the month of Robbie’s “2nd” birthday, enduring it to me even further.

On a very magical April 10th, 14 years ago, Jim , Robyn and I stood in Judge’s Chambers, finalizing her adoption. She had long been Jim’s daughter by love, if not by birth, and now, finally, we had been able to take the steps to bring to legality what had already been in our hearts. Once the Judge had completed the legal abracadabra between father and daughter, he turned to Robbie and I to now adopt each other as well.  It took us by surprise, this legal t crossing and i dotting that we hadn’t known about.  Even though she had emerged from my body and was my own birth daughter, we were now being asked to reaffirm ourselves as mom and kid.

Of course, we hemmed and hawed, teasing each other, then very happily and very solemnly agreed that we were adopting each other for all of our lives.  We were making a very conscious choice to accept each other as we were, with our faults and frailties.  We had always felt that we belonged together, that we had been connected, sharing lives together for eons.  And now we were choosing as two women, as two friends, as Mom and Daughter, forever connected.

Six years later, on Robyn’s wedding day she publically shared a message to me

“Mom, I love you so very much, there aren’t the words for it.  I know that you feel your position isn’t special.  But it is very special to me.  Yes you did give birth to me which automatically give you the Mother-Of-The-Bride Title.  You’re more than just that to me, which is why I came up with The Honor Hand Maiden Title that is so very appropriate for you.  You’ve helped me out getting ready for everything from school pictures to dance competitions to life.  And you still continue to be there for me when I need you…
Mom, you remember back to April 10th 1998 when Jim adopted me.  Remember how surprised we were that we had the choice of you still being my mom.  It was in that moment that you and I decided that we wanted to be mom and daughter.  That to me says more than anything in the world.
When something exciting happens or I’m feeling blah or I’m just being silly and having an over active imagination or I need a little encouragement or when I freak out because I actually am enjoying baking and cooking, you’re the 1st person I call.
Yes you are my mother and that’s important,
But mom, you’re also my best friend.
I love you, always!!”

œ ♥  
I have always thought of April as Robbie’s 2nd birthday—goodness knows, she loved getting two birthday gifts! But I have also come to realize what a gift it was to me…I not only gave birth to a baby who had no conscious choice of being my child, but my child also became a young woman, who, given the choice, deliberately chose me to be her mom.

I have been having a lot of emotions surfacing this April, bittersweet within the memories.  It’s been hard, missing her.

Every month ~ Every week ~ Every day ~ There are triggers ~ Reminders ~ Remembrances

But it doesn’t take a “special occasion” because wherever I go, whenever I go, my daughter is still forefront in my heart and in my mind.
I carried her ten months inside of me
And I will carry her in my heart for all of my days.

April has long been filled with the magic of reawakening, rebirth and HOPE.  Robbie lived up to the light of April in her name.  And now, 40 months after I kissed her  good bye for the last time, I am struggling to find and remember that magic and Hope in a life without her physically here.

I am here, breathing, enduring, sometimes experiencing happy moments; not hating life as much as I used to.  I haven’t come to embrace life again yet, but I am avoiding it less.♥

 

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