THE UGLY CLUB (part 2)

(THE UGLY CLUB  Part 1)

I am a Member of  THE UGLY CLUB.

I never wanted to be and I truly hate being so.
I have found family and friends and compassion among my fellow bereaved parents.
I have made great and what I hope will be long lasting and meaningful friendships with other parents who I understand and who understand me.  We easily talk and listen to each other as we share stories about the children we love and miss so very much.   We socialize together, go out to eat together, go for walks, and sometimes even travel together.  I have met people I probably never would have if not for my daughter’s, or their children’s, death.  I like these new friends.  I care about them.  I am glad that they are now in my life.

And I Would Trade Every  One Of Them Away,
as I know they would me,
If I Could Only Have My Child Back Alive With Me Again.

I AM A MEMBER OF THE UGLY CLUB.
AND I DON’T WANT TO BE.
THERE IS NOTHING MORE UGLY, TO ME, THAN A PARENT LOSING THEIR CHILD.

But apparently, not everyone who has read the words “The Ugly Club”  understands “the club” to which I refer.  I regret any misconception.   Let me assure all that I was NOT using the term to reference The Compassionate Friends;  nor was there any inference that Compassionate Friends are UGLY.   In fact, “THE UGLY CLUB” has nothing to do with Compassionate Friends at all!  “THE UGLY CLUB” is a term that I first read as coined by a young mom who had lost her 5 year old to cancer.  It refers to the fact that loosing our child, feels ugly and horrible…

…that losing a child is an UGLY EVENT
that we are forced into this “ugly club” against our will.
Our children have died and WE HATE IT.
It is UGLY in our hearts.

A compassionate friend wrote to me:
“Ugly is the reflection in the mirror that seems to have forgotten how to smile or to look carefree – ugly because it is the antithesis of all that I was and ache to be again but know that my scars will always be visible. Ugly is experience that robs beauty and joy from our lives.  Ugly is the sound of inconsolable tears… Ugly is the loss of a child.”

Being a member of the “THE UGLY CLUB” is different from happily joining a sewing circle, a Bible Reading Class, or a car club…the things that we WANT to be part of…the things that provide us with fun and enjoyment.  We don’t CHOSE to be in it.  We are FORCED to be Members…and the price we “pay for membership” is too dear, too horrible, too much.

 As a  bereaved mom wrote to me:
“Nobody wants to join this ugly club, there is no BEAUTY in being a member. There is love and compassion and beauty among those of us who were forced to become members against our will, but certainly not in the reason that the ugly club exists”

We are all members who did not chose to become part of  “THE UGLY CLUB”.
Our families,
Our friends,
Our lives have all become different.
And it is an ugly reality that made it so.
Many of we who relate to the term “THE UGLY CLUB”
are on the end of newer bereavement”* and  deeply feel the  ugliness of it being forced upon us.
For many of us, “THE UGLY CLUB” is a very apt description.

I absolutely agree that The Compassionate Friends is a source of comfort and compassion, and there is beauty and friendship among our meeting room walls and within the pages of our bogs and newsletters.
As it states on the National Website

“We are truly glad that you have found us but profoundly
 saddened by the reason of your visit.”


It is absolutely NOT BY CHOICE that I am a MEMBER OF THE UGLY CLUB.
I am, though, very much by choice
and by need,
a Member of The Compassionate Friends.

Bettie-Jeanne,
Forever RobynApril’s Mom

* We are considered NEWLY BEREAVED for the first full five years and including the sixth anniversary.

One thought on “THE UGLY CLUB (part 2)

  1. I understand the term ugliness of losing a child.Two years ago,Aug.14th my son chose to end his life to suicide ,now that is what I call ugly.The sickness in his mind was also uglier,knowing Walmart still sells helium tanks is even uglier that helped him complete suicide is even uglier..That is the ugliest part of losing a child is suicide at 16

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